Well as per usual it’s been absolutely forever since I last wrote anything on this.
I’ll let you into a little secret, I’m one of those people that will quite easily obsess over something because I think it’s making me feel better. I’ll move quickly onto something that’s basically keeping my focus away from how fucked up my life has actually got. No I don’t avoid, that’s completely different, I just procrastinate in a way until I’m able to process and deal with what’s around me. Being bipolar means in my head I’m thinking in black and white, there’s no grey areas until I can’t take the middle ground anymore and I’m forced to think about what’s truly going on. Today I’ve reached that point so what better way then to write something down?
I’m wake of all the media coverage on suicide recently, it’s got me thinking, people are fucking scumbags. How can you drive someone so hard into believing they aren’t good enough? how can you possibly think it’s a good idea to troll someone to an inch of their life, talk about them as if they are nothing and whittle their life down to just idle gossip online? It’s disgusting and no wonder some people can’t cope anymore. This doesn’t just appeal to the media though, it’s very prominent in all of our own lives but we just suffer in silence.
The past few months of my life have been downright horrific and I’ve been the centre of so many peoples conversations. I’ve been beaten down to within an inch of my sanity and it’s not fair the effect it has on someone’s mental health. Thing is no one actually cares about that. You’re a topic of conversation with a group of people who don’t know who you are but they sit there like “guess what I heard” and don’t think about the impact that those words turn into Chinese whispers which then effect everything. Rumours spread like wildfire and it’s poisonous and nasty. In that split second you sit there and talk about anything to do with another person, no matter how many times you can say “don’t tell anyone” it’s still going to be repeated so no point fooling yourselves that your words aren’t going to hurt someone. They will eventually end up sounding like completely different to your first statement.
What’s even worse then that, everyone preaching suddenly about how you should “be kinder” where the fuck where you when I needed you?? Where the fuck was the “I’m just checking in message” when you knew my life was falling apart? No wonder so many people are driven to ending everything when the only time people seem to do anything about it is when they psychically can’t anymore. What about the people around you that you know are struggling daily but instead of making sure they are okay, you’d rather just share something on Facebook about how “my doors always open” or “be kind” stickers on your profile picture. Mate, you’re door wasn’t open for me. You weren’t kinder to me. You weren’t there when I was at my lowest, you just ran your mouth and hoped I wouldn’t hear it.
Their are three sides to every single story. Yours, theirs and the truth. Sad thing in life is people will pick sides, maybe not intentionally at first, but the more you listen to one side the more your inclined to believe it until it gets to the point where any other side is tainted by opinions. An age old saying is “don’t judge a book by its cover” but let’s all real talk here. Everyone does. The cover of that book will get more and more dark and twisted if you add fuel to the fire until the pages start to sound more and more like the gossips memoirs.
I am far from perfect and I know that. I’ve done my fair share of all of the above but the difference is I can accept my flaws and change my thought processes from doing what I’m doing today. Don’t get me wrong everyone loves hearing a bit of idle gossip with their girlfriends over coffee and cigarettes on a Sunday morning, which is more than acceptable as long as you don’t rip someone a new one because of what you’ve heard round the water cooler at work. I have come to learn that there are very few people you can trust in this world and that is absolute gospel.
I sat in the exact spot I’m sitting in today talking to my grandma the other day. Crying, explaining and just spending time purely on my own accepting how much depression has taken a grip on me recently. She’s no longer with us and she gave me more advice then anyone I’ve spoken to. That’s what I write this for, anonymous therapy when it’s needed the most.
I love so hard. I obsess over the smallest amount of attention and I overthink absolutely everything but that’s just one of the things that makes me who I am. The quirky parts of my personality that I’m hoping one day someone will love as much as I do. I deserve happiness. I deserve the love that people dream of from movies and I deserve the little things in life that someone just “does because they want to” effortless happiness and pure content is what I’m trying to achieve this year. I know it’s going to be a long road but making the decisions I have recently has got me one step closer to achieving my goals. I just need a bit of reassurance, need to know that I’m doing okay sometimes and I don’t think that’s much to ask for. Too many times in this life you are met with blunt answers to your messages, people who push you away because they are scared of feeling anything or people who would rather bring you down then stand by your side whilst you save yourself. A little happy text or “everything will be okay, I’ve got you” goes such a long way and that’s something that can be achieved without even putting in effort.
So as it’s done and dusted, of course I urge you all to be a little kinder, just don’t do it so superficially. Actually act on what you’re sharing online about how much of a good friend you are or how much you value people’s friendships. Check up on your seemingly happy friends. Make sure the people you say you care about are okay. These are just small steps into realising that you can make a whole world of difference just by checking in. So as I said, don’t wish for fairytales. Life isn’t that simplistic fantasy we all read in books or watch in Disney films. It’s real, raw, passionate and down right difficult but that’s what brings the world to life. Everyone can dream for a life that’s perfect but reality sets in and you’ll realise that to gain you’re own kind of perfect status you have to be the best you can be, despite your flaws. Look after yourself and the others around you and aspire to your own goals, not the unrealistic bullshit standards that society nowadays thinks is acceptable. You do you, you’re doing great and I’m proud of you sweetie.
With all that’s said and done, I know full well I’d rather stand by and listen to your troubles rather than listening to a eulogy.
“Feeling isolated, all kinds of frustrated, I love you as you are, as you are.