I’ve been reflecting recently on just life in general and wanted to write this down and get it off my chest. So.. basically the same as every single one of my other posts. Predictable as always Katie.
This just seems very prominent to me currently due to past experiences. How sad is it that probably 90% of us are literally relating to the photo above? You’ve been so fucked up by someone in your life. that the minute someone comes along and tries to treat you the way you deserve because you’re a fucking decent human being, you back up and out those walls up like you’re trying to stop that Trojan horse from storm charging the city of your soul.
This could be through relationships and friendships. Even family relationships. It’s so sad really that we’ve been conditioned to believe that our past defines our future. You can share as many positive quotes as you possibly like thinking it’s going to change your mindset but in retrospect it’s literally just never the case. I’d love to be able to completely change my mindset on how i feel but shit like that takes time.
All I know is I’m happier. Happier than I have been in a long time. This is due to realising just how much bullshit I’ve dealt with and that it doesn’t and shouldn’t effect how I feel now… But it does. It does and it has done for years. Yeah I’m happier, but that doesn’t mean I’m not fucked up and insecure, anxious and guarded all the time.
The reason I’m writing this is for many different reasons. I find myself getting angry at my past. My past experiences, past feelings, past anything really. People are so quick to judge on situations that they know nothing about and it gets you all sorts of mad when you process it all. I don’t regret anything I just wish I hadn’t wasted years thinking I wasn’t good enough.
Starting again is a difficult time of your life. It’s hard to break out of cycles that you’ve always known. It’s hard to break habits of a lifetime and it’s hard to loose people you’ve believed would be in your life forever but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. Sometimes starting again, on your own or with someone new can be the most refreshing and exciting times. Learning the little things that matter to someone and even new things that you didn’t think you knew about yourself can be wonderful.
Time is a fickle thing. Sometimes knowing someone for two months can make you happier then someone who you’ve known for two years. Feelings don’t rely on time. They manifest from your situations and the way you connect to people and that is perfectly okay. It’s okay to feel like you’ve known someone your whole life after just a few short months. It’s okay to cut off a long relationship or toxic situation because it doesn’t make you happy anymore. All of this is okay and I just think people need to realise that more.
When the arms of another feel like home that’s when you know you’ve won. When you’re safe and comfortable around each other thats a beautiful thing and that’s something people only dream about having.
My advice is literally just let things be. If it happens it happens. If it doesn’t then crack on. I’ve been running from the person I am for years because I thought I wasn’t good enough to be loved by anyone but in light of recent times I’ve realised that I don’t need someone to make me feel like I’m worth it. If something comes along then that’s just a bonus nowadays. My mum made a relevant point years ago to someone I was seeing. “Katie will give you everything you’ll ever need. She will understand you, help you when she has nothing herself and be there for you, but you’ll never have all of her. She will never give you every part of her because she’s guarded and that’s just the way she is”
That’s just the cold hard truth. It leads us back to the reason I wrote this blog. I am who I am because of the life I’ve had and that’s okay. I’m not going to let it effect my future, because my future is me. No one else. Some of the realest shit I’ve read recently was…
“People pray for cake, then they are given the eggs, flour, sugar, oil, icing, pan and the oven. They get frustrated and leave the kitchen. Sometimes in life you have everything you wanted right in front of you, but how bad do you want it?”
Life has a funny way of working shit out for you without you even realising. You’ll have everything you’ve ever needed right there but when your aren’t willing to change the way you think or the way your past effects your future you’ll never take time to make that cake. The life you want takes work and won’t be handed to you, work on yourself before you work on anyone else. What is meant to be will find it way and if it’s not there when your thriving, then sis it wasn’t even worth the text back.