Welcome to my world – on a bad day.

This will be brutal. 
This will be honest.
This will be raw.

One thing I must say before I go into depth is this has been on my mind to do this for a while. This will take alot out of me and honestly writing all this down scares me half to death. I am not doing this to crave attention, or get people to feel sorry for me. Thats not what I’m about. I’m trying to give you an insight into what it feels like on a bad day for me. This is personal. I am not in anyway saying this is how everyone with a mental health issue feels. This is just how I interpret it. Please continue to carry on reading if you wish. It takes alot for me to be this honest and open and causes alot of triggers but I started this blog to help people. So if I’m not 100% into it then how am I expecting people to really get something out of it. Thank you. ♡

Have you ever felt your entire world is crashing around you? Like you have no one left to support you? Like you stuggle to find the effort to do the simple things like talking, or even breathing? Do you ever feel like your motivation fucked off to a party with its friends self worth and confidence and forgot to invite you? An overwhelming sense of paranoia, jealousy, depression and anger all rolled into a really disgusting tasting burrito that you can’t even stomach to choke down because you don’t know what feeling comes first? Welcome to a day in the life of me. On a bad day.

Each and every single day when I wake up its like Russian roulette. I could be on top of the world and nothing can stop me. Or it goes completely pete tong. So this is what I’m going to explain to you. The worst side of things.

My heart hurts. It hurts from caring so much and my head thinks thats because i receive so little. I try so hard to be happy but it feels like a road block in my mind. I’m travelling down this road. All I can hear is 100 voices in my head shooting me down.
“your worthless”
“Your nothing”
“No one cares”
“Why are you still here”
“Your a disgusting person”
“You have no friends”
“No one loves you, why would they?”
“Look at the state of you”
“Everything you do is wrong”
Over and over again I can hear this. I turn up the radio and try to block it out but they can’t be fooled. They know my tricks. They’ve been there for 7 years. They stop any chance of happiness. I cling to little glimmers of hope that something might pull me out of this. Someone. But that someone isn’t there anymore. They’ve also gone. I have no one. Everyone’s busy with their problems and I don’t tell anyone anyway because I feel I’m a burden. Who would want to sit and comfort someone when they can’t even tell you the reason their sad? It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. I don’t deserve happiness. I just deserve to be alone. With nothing, and no one.

Everything’s black. Everything’s dark and gloom. Everyone just stares like I’m a freak. Why are you all looking at me? What have I done now? Why is everything I do wrong. Katie your worthless. Everything you do, everything you say? Why even bother? What’s the point. NO ONE FUCKING CARES. There are black clouds over my head. In my world on days like this it always rains. There’s never sunshine. No silver lining. The forecast is grey. I want to curl up into a ball and forget my very exsistence. I can’t help this. This isn’t fake. No one can pretend to feel like this because it would sink you into depression. This is just what happens when I’m not well. This post might not make sense. Because it’s jagged, it’s all over the place and nothings flowing like it usually does when I talk to you all. But that’s the point I’m trying to out across. No matter what happens on days like this nothing makes sense to me.

I have deluded thoughts and visions that people won’t care if I died. I have nightmares that feel real and they are stuck on repeat. Over and over. I can’t sleep I can’t eat. I go completely numb. You can’t get through to me because the voices don’t allow that. They don’t allow support. So I give in to them. I lash out, I shout, I get angry, I say things I don’t mean and I take people for granted. Which is something that I have done in the past and I regret it every single day. Because that’s one of the reasons the life I lost was taken from me.

I stop talking, stare into space and time for me stops. The smiles that used to make me feel so happy don’t work, the people I love aren’t there. They are too busy or something. I don’t know. I don’t care. Nothing matters anymore. how will I ever overcome this when I don’t even have the motivation to think, feel or breathe? You tell me.

I have never ever been as unhappy as I am now. And that’s because I can’t hack change. I can’t deal with people moving on when my life has taken a turn backwards. I wish somethings has never happened. Most of my persona is a front on a daily basis. I act like I’m on top of the world, throw about world class banter and try to make everyone around me happy. But that is purely because after feeling this low, this amount of times I don’t want anybody else to experience that. And I will do everything in my power to keep people on the upside of life. Because in a way it brings me of myself.

I am getting through this. Slowly. I’m getting the help I need and they are correcting my medication and maybe somewhere along the lines I won’t be scared to wake up anymore. I won’t be terrified of how I feel when I’m on my own. And I won’t ever have to cry for help again. But bare with me on this one. It’s going to take time and your all going to be there every step of the way with me. The ups and the downs. The life of bipolar disorder. My life will be yours to read.

My life is a complete adventure. Every single day is different. Nothing is ever the same. I feel so confused constantly but it does get easier. I can tell you that because I have hit rock bottom. I have had the whole ‘psychotic episode’ medical terminology thrown at me. But once you hit that low the only way is back again. You can’t ever feel that bad again. It’s adventure horrible place. I felt so alone. I felt like there was no point in living anymore. I felt numb. But thanks to the people around me, my friends and family, ive started to come back. 🙂

Note to all my friends that read this. Please don’t take this to heart. When in in a good place I laugh at the way I feel on a bad day. I know you love me and I know you care. But it’s unexplained as to why this happens. And the friends I know who stick by me won’t get pissed off, they won’t tell me to snap out of it or grow up. There just there to ride the storm with me. And I love you for that. ♡

So all in all this post has taken me 2 weeks to write. It’s been tweeked, deleted, rewritten and put to one side too many times. So now I’m just going to press done. That it. It’s out there.

Welcome to the world of me. I do honestly try to control my illness, but sometimes my illness controls me. This part isn’t fun but the rest is better than wonderland.

“From every wound there’s a scar, every scar tells a story. A story that says, I SURVIVED.”

KT.♡

P.S. Thank you to the wonderful person who gave me the idea to do this. Honesty is refreshing. I love you, you know who you are. ♡

Photo by Anna Sullivan on Unsplash