summer 2018, and Beyond.

Have you ever sat in front of your laptop, phone, tablet, wandering what to say and what to write? I have. All the time in fact.

Okay, let me rephrase that. I have SOO much to say and I have so much to get off my chest. But have you ever sat there and wandered what you can and cant say? I feel a lot of people should wander that more often.

A few months back I wouldn’t have thought there was anything out of place about the summer we have just had. It was full of newborn baby cuddles, cocktails in the sunshine, Brighton pride and moving into our forever home. but behind all of that joy there was a few months that little did we know would be bigger than a firework evening on bonfire night.

Sometimes writing is the only way I can express the way i truly feel. But even then I’m afraid to do it. Because I hold back for reasons that I can’t explain. I don’t want to upset people, i don’t want to be too honest in case it get taken the wrong way, I don’t want to have to think about the things I’m writing about because it hurts too much. But I can’t talk anymore. I’m tired of talking things out, tired of feeling nothing, tired of holding back on how I really feel. this leads me to the question,

What are you supposed to feel when don’t feel anything at all?

Feeling nothing is a very vague thing to say. What I mean by this is the feeling of being empty, tired, having no reaction to what’s going on around you or how people treat you. Have you ever got into a situation where something happens over and over again or more comes to light and you just find yourself sitting there like ‘I genuinely don’t even care anymore’. This is what I mean about not feeling anything at all.

Its a horrible place to be in. It’s also something that’s not easy to get past. Even when things seem okay again there is always that lingering feeling of emptiness, or the feeling of being completely lost in your own existence. No medication or therapy can get me past these feelings. I also cant talk to many people about this anymore. Wanna know why? Because the state of my mental health has genuinely been used as an excuse, and not even by me!

There are many people in my life, around me or close friends and acquaintances who will know different variations of what a few of us have been through in the last few months. devastation, loss, grief, stress, pain, lies, disloyalty, heartbreak to name a few and this has been for various different reasons, not all my own. I guess you can say we are out the other side, but you don’t just forget, you just move on.

People are very interesting and complex. One thing that you learn about someone can change your opinion and outlook on that person forever. This is where the could do something that normally wouldn’t even make a difference to you but all of a sudden you’ll find yourself over analysing everything. Wow it makes my head hurt but the point I’m trying to get across is you never know anyone fully. Even for example, your best friend and even your partner. People are shitty. lets be honest… *sips tea*

I think I’m at a point in my life where I want nothing more than personal growth. I don’t want to lean on someone to make sure I’m okay, I want to accomplish goals and I’m currently in the process of some very exciting things that should be happening in 2019..

I don’t need a thousand friends around me to feel popular and loved. I don’t need drama to be the centre of attention. I don’t need to deal with shitty situations or shitty friends and I ESPECIALLY don’t need to be drinking shitty coffee. I need to focus on my family and my incredible children. This post started off (a few hours ago might i add) as something i wanted to write as a philosophical deep post about how to turn your life around after a crisis, but i can manage that all on my own and i don’t need to tell you guys either.

This is the point i want to come across. You don’t need to rely on anyone but yourself because even the people you never thought would hurt you can bring your world crashing down harder than watching a TV series and realising they cancelled it after one season (devo, i know.) You can forgive and forget but its down to the individuals involved to make the effort. we are human, we have feelings and we need to realise that not one single person is untouchable.

What you say cannot be unheard, what you write cannot be unread and what you do cannot be undone. Trust me. I’m not going to write some bull here about the fact that people can change because lets be real folks, that aint gonna happen anytime soon so my moral of the story is, learn to love yourself after drama. Every time something happens to you it changes you as a person. Embrace it.

Peace, love, chocolate orange and chill.

KT. ❤