Mental Health

One Choice, One Moment.

I promise you I’m not going to break out into an Eminem song and declare I’m going to be the next up and coming rapper. Of 2019. So you can continue reading this post now.

Life is a wonderful mess of moments. These are created by choices we make in those moments. For example, you wake up every morning and make the choice to have breakfast, tea or coffee and what mundane TV programme you will watch whilst you consume said breakfast and hot drink. That seems like a simple choice for most people, something that comes naturally to most. But when you live with bipolar, these are the sort of choices that can potentially become soul destroying.  I have to wake up every morning with the choices made for me. What mood I’m going to be in, whether I’m going to eat today, whether I’m going to speak to people or even leave the house. They make that choice for me and that can be extremely hard. Whereas usually I’m in good place and these choices seem like they are simple enough as they are to everyone else, when it comes to make trying to process that decision I overthink every little scenario in my head that goes along side this. That my friends, is called anxiety.

My long lost friend.  I feel I only ever seem to write blog posts for you guys to read when something happens in my life. I know i use this as a anonymous therapy but when these things happen in my life it sparks something that gets me writing. And to be honest that’s actually where all my problems began when I was younger, but that’s a story for another day, face to face over a good few pints of beer.  What also affects a lot of people are the choices that others make around them. When someone doesn’t think before they act they can destroy everything that was good in a friendShip or even a relationship. All for one moment of bliss or happiness that they think is going to last forever when in reality the factors of life become so much more important.

I have made some serious choices over the last year. All of these have impacted my life in ways I couldn’t imagine. I made a choice which crippled me for months and made me realise one thing, you don’t know what you had until it’s gone. You hold onto memories and moments that have happened over time to make you feel better about the decisions you make but when it boils down to it all you have is these things that trigger intense feelings. This is something you can’t control and you spend your life regretting the moments when you could have quite easily chosen a different path in life but for what? You can’t live or learn from your mistakes if you spend your time choosing the easy way of life.  I don’t look at anything anymore as going back to something. For example, if you loose a friendship or you have a breakdown of a relationship you can go back to it, but 9 times out of 10 it will have nurtured from the time you spent apart and you would have grown up and learnt new things about each other which will make it new and exciting. Even if you previously spent years with this person in your life before. the love of your life could be someone you’ve known for 5 months or 5 years. You just have to embrace the way you feel. Even if it’s something you told yourself you’d never go back to or you didn’t feel that way before, what’s the harm in giving something a go? Or a second chance? Life’s too short to live on bad memories. Don’t be so stubborn and go with the moment.

I try personally to focus on the beauty that’s around me and the good I can get out of each moment.  They say that you recover from heartache, but I don’t think that’s true. You just learn to cope with it, to manage and to live with how you feel about the choice you or another person has made to put you in that situation. You go over things in your head, like

“Was it something that I did?” “Was there somebody else?” “Was I not enough?”

The things I have personally be through over the last year don’t affect me anymore, they still hurt and i still think these things but I have learnt to deal with how this makes me feel. There’s a hell of a lot I regret but also a lot that I am glad that’s happened  its literally been a roller coaster over the past few years and I have already had to deal with some crazy stuff but it’s taught me who I want to continue my life with, who didn’t deserve to be there in the first place and who could possibly be there in the future.  The choices I’ve made over the last few weeks is to flush out all the negativity in my life and to focus on the fact that I’m about to become a mother to another beautiful little boy. Everything is working out for the best and I feel in such a good place. The choices that others made around me have impacted on the way I can now focus on what’s best for me and my kids. We are a family unit filled with so much love and I can’t wait for my future with them, growing up together and becoming people I can be so proud of every single day.

Life is a like a camera. Focus on what’s important, capture good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don’t work out, take another shot.

Take care guys.  KT.x

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash