DISCLAIMER: This post contains swearing. All opinions are my own based on personal experiences. this does not contain names and will not shame anyone, its just harmless fun and lighter reading. if you’re easily offended then please feel free to look through my many other blogposts. thank you!
Oh hey everyone!
Welcome to the latest edition of Katie is going to give you life advice you probably don’t need to know about. 🙌
This blog post goes out to all my girls who have had their fair share of fuckboys.
That’s right. You know those smooth talking, butter wouldn’t melt devil dick specimens that we have crawling about on this planet for no goddamn reason.
Let’s start this off with a good old fashioned commentary David Attenborough style
“This creature my friends is what’s known as the common f*ckboy. As you can see they feed off their pray by luring them into a false sense of security that is slowly followed by their lack of emotion and morals which leads to the female form feeling a sense of worthlessness and heartache. They will make you feel like your the only girl in the world sending sweet nothings over a text message when they are probably sitting in their rundown bad boy mobile getting oral sex off Susie whose got three kids from the estate down the road.”
Ok so that’s not exactly a paragraph fit for a tv documentary but you catch my drift. 😒
I’m going to give you pointers on how you can work out if you are dating a fuckboy. This, like I always say this is loosely based on events that have happened in my life and isn’t aimed at anyone specific. You can take what you want from This but I’m not going to be doing any naming and shaming. This is just a place to vent my feelings and give you some advice and laugh along the way.
1. The first few weeks is bliss
You know when you first meet someone it’s all sunshine and roses and you feel like you’ve hit the fucking jackpot! You’re in your girls group chat saying things like “girls I’ve met this lad off tinder, he’s fit AF, charmed the socks off me and is always complimenting me. I feel like a princess and from his tone of voice I reckon he’s got a big one!!😍😍😍 we are meeting next Friday at spoons for a cheeky bev, need tips on what to wear blah blah blah”
Ladies, we’ve all been there. You meet this guy and he’s the dogs bollocks. He dresses well, he could sell ice to an Eskimo, he’s treating you like your the best thing since sliced bread and its all going so well. Your mates are all seals of approval and they think there’s nothing wrong with him at all. You’ve done it! You’ve met the one!
2. Cracks start showing
So we are at the stage in your new relationship where everything is amazing. You are snapping each other constantly (probably throwing in a tasteful nude every now and again) he calls you before you go to sleep, texts you first thing in the morning and probably even sends you more than 4 kisses on the end of your messages. (Get in)
Then comes the stage where you start hearing things. By this point you’ve probably got to know a few people he goes around with and have the occasional Facebook message with them. You start hearing that he was down the pub the other night with his mates and turned up with some other girl you’ve never heard of. So.You frantically start trying to find her on faceyb but then you do and she’s private so you check to see if you’ve got a mutual friend. BOOM. there he is. All mr sweet and fucking innocent. So it’s back to the group chat getting your girls advice. Ones saying “call the fucker out. Go psycho on his arse! He’s not even met level one yet!” The other ones saying “just talk to him it’s probably a misunderstanding” and then you all come to a collective decision that a text war is what’s needed and EVERYTHING needs to be screenshotted and answers to his replies need to be meticulously planned out between you all. Good one girls.
3. Excuses, excuses.
Everything becomes an excuse with your fuckboy. He can’t answer the phone because he’s mum’s watching corrie and apparently it’s a really good episode, he can’t see you tonight because he’s got to a really awesome match in his fifa 16 tournament and he promised Jack that he would go on the headset. Or it’s things like “Kelly? Oh you know she’s Tonys ex misses and she drinks like a lad so she comes out with us” or “she’s just a friend” translates to “she’s only seen my dick a couple of times” or “babe you’ve got nothing to worry about” means “yeah you fucking do because she’s had more blokes then you’ve had sunbeds”.
Throughout this web of lies this spawn of Satan is telling you, you believe it all and you start to make excuses for him yourself. When your girls question your sanity on why your allowing those so called “just friends” of his post selfies on snapchat and insta with #drinkswithmyman and you find yourself saying to them “they are just friends” hmm… does this sound familiar?
4. Time for a reality check.
So it turns out that they were very close friends. All 4 of them. Close enough to have their pants round their ankles behind a biffa bin on the Friday night you were in having “girls night” and he told you he was at his mates having a cheeky tinny and a dominoes.
Then the abuse starts. It’s either they shoot you down in one “never fucking cared anyways” text or they drop message you and turn into psycho Sid and blame it on you because you pushed them away or you didn’t give them your undivided attention. You go from feeling like you are the luckiest woman alive to crying into your Ben and Jerrys cookie dough ice cream in a very short space of time. They move on to the next girl who probably looks like a tranny and has probably been fucked over by him before (you know this because you’ve stalked) and you’re sitting there wondering what YOU did to make him treat you that way. Girl it was never you. They are wired differently to us. They don’t care. It’s why they can so easily move on to the next one because they need to suck the life out of everything they touch.
5. A boomerang always comes back.
So you’re at the stage where you are slowly getting over the turmoil of looking your man to the looking contestant of the crufts competition and you’re filling yourself up and checking out the latest filters on snapchat to take a banging selfie (after relationship selfies are the best kind) when you check your messages and you find him in your inbox. “Hi babe cute pic 😉” ERM NOT TODAY SATAN. He will try and worm his way back in by saying the charms card once again and telling you it was a massive mistake and he’s still got that CD you bought him. Sorry mate I’m not a game of world of witchcraft and I’ve got spotlight so don’t need your second-hand CD of soppy songs that mean nothing to me now. It’s all messages like “baby I miss you, let’s meet and talk” or “I was thinking about the time we did this and I found something in my car”. By this point you’ve probably already sacrificed your soul to the gods because your best friends said “if you ever go back there again ill kick you in the taco” and you’ve spoken to other poor girls that got the same treatment as you at the same time and formed an alliance to slowly destroy his life.
So, if you are smart block them. In everything. Snapchat, facebook, instagram, Twitter, phone, whatsapp, ebay. Whatever babes just do it. They don’t deserve your time or effort. But if you can get a cheeky dig in there before they have a chance to reply then be my guest. My personal favourite “come back to me when you stop sticking your dick in teenagers, well that’s if you can keep it up untie first place”
BYE DEVIL DICK 😘
These silly boys have stolen the hearts of too many of us out there and its time to push them aside and start living the life you want instead of feeling like you owe them something. There is a wonderful person out there for you and you do deserve it. If you can put up with someone like I’ve just described then you deserve a fucking medal. Or at least a wonderful man to treat you right.
Don’t let a bad time in your life stop you from trusting again. These sort of people are sent here to test women. To keep us on our toes until we find the right one. You’ve just got to go through some slur grapes before you find your Prince. Please don’t take from this I am completely man shaming. I know there are fantastic blokes out there and you’ve just got to find one.
So wash away the fuckboy drama, Chuck your heels on and make your wings and brows on point. Highlighter was made so we could glow like a fucking discoball and blind those future fuckboys and that new dress and Lippy in your online shopping cart needs to be purchased.
No man is worth your tears. You need to find a man that ruins your lipstick and not your mascara. Preferably neither tbh. That shit costs thousands and they wouldn’t have a life worth living if they ruined my latest nude lip.
Hope you enjoyed this one. I had a lot of fun writing it. Just need a pint now.
Keep your heels, head and standards high – Coco Chanel